just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
