Your dad touched me again.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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