You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
