dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
