I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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