i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
