oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
