WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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