Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize