My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
