i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
