Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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