My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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