Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
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I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.