I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
...so i touched it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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