While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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