I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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