The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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