kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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