I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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