i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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