I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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