my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
