I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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