Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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