Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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