i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
