last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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