He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Boobs speak an international language.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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