She's JV to your varsity
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Never underestimate the power of titties
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
