I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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