Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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