a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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