my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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