My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
