On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i now understand why vodka
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
