So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
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I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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