I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I forget how to act sober
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
