i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
