Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
