everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
