I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
