dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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