Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
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You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
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Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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