Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Randomize
