im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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