I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize