im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
high people should be assigned attendants
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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