I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
