I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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