My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
