he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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