I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
