oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
