If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
