There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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