thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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