what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
