she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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