wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
