Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
