I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
