just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
